A KQED REPORT

this forthcoming season and weather

Many people love the summer , I used to. Summer meant vacation, pools, cut off shorts, mac dre music and parties. During the hot summer days I used to love sitting in front of my porch while getting my hair braided (in the latest j.lo style)  just watching the boys go by. I loved summer because my best friend (we used the term "best friend" so loosely didn't we?) at the time and I , had abundant hours to paint our nails ,talk about boys and walk to and from the local liquor store. Summer was the best.

And then i grew up. And then i got shot.And then it felt like i was reborn again and had to figure out my identity all over. I dont regret that experience at all , in fact that is why i love the gloomy weather so much.

It was during the autumn and winter that i lived my best and worst moments. I clearly remember looking out the window of my hospital room one evening in December. I couldn't help but to notice how clouded, dark and cold it looked outside, at the same time it charmed me. Maybe it was because i was tired of seeing the inside of a hospital building or maybe it was a sign.

Fast forward to winter of 09 ...things were boiling.  I began to go to parks at night with my sister and close family friends. For the first time i swallowed booze and vodka , i cant even remember most of those nights in 09 because i simply passed out. Everyone around me started to worry about my low tolerance but i insisted that i would be ok!

I was starting to become a bit comfortable in my new skin. I can confidently say that playing volleyball in college was when i began to get my feet wet. When I was on that court , i felt powerful and talented. It was like all of my worries, paranoia and self esteem issues would seamlessly disappear when i was playing volleyball. I started to make friends with different people, i started to voice my opinions for the first time in a long recovery, i began to walk with my head high.

Volleyball in college was awesome but my hard reality was , moms needed help paying the bills. I felt really pressured to begin working. It took alot from me to approach a manager only to be quickly denied and stared at. It fucking sucked, it really did.

 Desperate for money, I began to hustle with my cousin and mutual friend.We knew the holidays were coming so we worked hard...we made so much money that winter ...it was unbelievable. My confidence and self esteem began to rise with this new money in my pocket and designer everything. Christmas time came around and so did we. We came back to our homes on Christmas eve with large amounts of shopping bags including Gucci, Victorias Secret, Target , Best Buy and more. Our families were dumbfounded and pissed but they were also drunk and very pleased with their gifts.
I was young and thuggin , that shit was ridiculous.

 

It was winter season and from time to time I wouldn't have anyone to hang out with me because everyone was coupled up drinking hot cocoa and watching movies -____- I slowly, desperately and depressingly started to desire someone who would love this ugly new me. It didn't take long before cupid came to the rescue!

It was winter time when i fell hard for someone. Our relationship was perfectly imperfectly and i loved it. For the first time since my accident I was someones boo. It felt great to be wanted , it felt great to be able to go on dates. Even tho this person and I aren't together anymore I will forever cherish those memories during the winter time when all we wanted was each other in the cold night and days. 

My self esteem wasnt the only thing getting stronger. According to my doctors I was making a speedy recovery in terms of post surgery.

All great  things happened to me in the cold time. 

THE SHOOTING. COLLEGE. VOLLEYBALL. LOVE. EAST COAST. HOLIDAYS. 

YOUTH ALIVE. BIRTHDAY.

 LIFE.

Im looking forward to this weather. I like to reflect alot during this time. 

I like to think about how i was doing when i was 19 and what life is like for me now.

You can now listen to Until You Bleed :)

OMG, Ive read this story many times but it sounds even tighter. 

Listen to a sample of my story Until You Bleed written by James O'brien.

There are places in America where a scar, physical or emotional, speaks louder than a badge or a pulpit or a diploma ever could. In 2008, Caheri Gutierrez, a young model from one of Oakland's most dangerous neighborhoods, was shot in her beautiful face and nearly killed in a drive-by. Until You Bleed tells the story of her journey from troubled youth to traumatized victim to community leader seeking to heal herself and her city.

Visión Hispana calls Until You Bleed "captivating." The San Francisco Chronicle says Gutierrez is "an unforgettable subject." Until You Bleed features interviews with the Mayor of Oakland and other city leaders, while it traces the history of the homicide rate in Oakland and the city's slow awakening to its impact and meaning. But it is Gutierrez' story, her courage and honesty, that readers find most riveting. Survivors of gun violence have crucial things to tells us about how the bullet wounded not just their bodies, but their minds and lives, their families and communities. Until You Bleed gives a victim and a city each a voice.

©2013 James O'Brien (P)2013 Audible, Inc.

click on the link 

http://www.audible.com/search/ref=a_hp_tseft?advsearchKeywords=until+you+bleed&filterby=field-keywords&x=0&y=0 

Positive Affirmations

Hey guys my supervisor put me up on this affirmations and thanksgiving ritual thing. It's hella tight and i recommend it. The point is to give thanks everyday for something. The more thankful you are the more good things come your way. Its kind of like manifest destiny and the secret.

For example today "I am thankful for all the wonderful, caring, loving, giving, supportive people in my life. I will make our dreams a reality so that my family receives all the wonderful things they deserve."

You can do this by keeping a journal and jotting down 1 or even 3 things that you are grateful for everyday. TRY IT ... you'll see how great you'll feel and how more good things will start to come your way.

Have a great day 
xoxoxoxo

 

November is coming.

 "Girls were born knowing how destructive the truth could be. They learned to hold it in, tamp it down, like gunpowder in an old fashioned gun. Then it exploded in your face on a November day in the rain." 

  

                      

The story behind my Instagram separation.

I deleted my Instagram today. It felt like a big relief , like a big weight off my shoulders. I always told my sister that when people delete their social profiles it usually means that they are going thru change and want to disconnect from the public in others words "they goin thru some thangs". For me there were many reasons behind the discontinuation.

I am 23 years young (I say that proudly lol) and I am newly taking on the role of a case manager along with being an educator for my agency Youth ALIVE! What does this mean? More responsibility. It also means leading by example , it's also means I can't express the truth about how I feel about certain shit it also means I shouldn't be engaging in certain actives or events that go on in Oakland because ultimately I am working to serve and represent my community and so how are people from Oakland especially older cats going to take me serious. Sigh! 

  

This is true. I found myself realizing that I couldn't post certain pictures (like ones of me talented lot twerking lol) or me taking shots at a celebration , smoking a cigarette and things like that. I mean I guess the fact that I never posted pictures like that is a good thing but I was starting to feel like I couldn't participate in ratchet activities with my friends. I'm sure some of you are thinking "why would you want to partake in that?" But I must remind you all I AM 23. 

So I spent many days and weekend nights in my apartment thinking about what really matters to me. Of course my career and future came in the lead. I had made a blurry manifestation in my mind that for the sake of my future I would not participate in risky activities. What really made this decision clear and permanent was when my friend drove me to the 7street car races on a Saturday night. We pulled up to the scene and it seriously looked like a Fast and The Furious movie. There was a large crowd of young folks with their cars parked and some where racing. My heart starting beating fast and I got this intuition feeling that I shouldn't be there. I felt like a governor at the strip club ... It felt so wrong but it felt so good. Actually it didn't feel that great because I was mostly nervous and crazy paranoid. Before I could say what I thought was going to happen- it happened. I looked towards the crowd and there they were, a group of my former students. Before I could die I told my friend to to " Get me the hell out of here." After that night I made a stern decision. Fuck this shit.

I also started to get very sick of the posts that people would upload on IG. It was very negative, disempowering, pathetic, annoying, unreal and plain ridiculous. I must say that I will miss a handful of my IG fellows. But I will live.

I have decided to keep my Facebook only because I pretty much only have my family in my network and in terms of priorities I have learned that family is always first. So fuck friends , I'm all about my beloved down ass family.

I foresee a great new start. I am stepping into this professional alter ego role , this promotion is something I have always wanted and I will not jeopardize it. 

So this is where I am now. Deleting my Instagram and divorcing my youth. I feel great about it.