Friday, March 16, 2012

A new day with my new face

Standing in line since 6:30am Friday morning outside of the superior court in Fremont. Ive had alot of time to think, remember and assess.
Since ive been here people havent directed their attention to my face like they usually do when im in public, maybe its the hood of my parka maybe its my long hair.
I havent waited in line for court in a while. About 2 years ago I had to do this often when I was intenting on fixing my record and paying tickets.
2 years ago I had screws coming out of my face, my mouth was even more crooked then it is now, my hair was cut like a 60 yr old man and because I had no feeling in my lips I slobbered unknowingly from time to time. Knowing all of this or maybe mom would drop me off at 6am in downtown oakland at their superior court. Anyone whose been there can agree that their crowd isnt always a happy one none their less a sensitive one. I would cry and beg my mom to accompany me , to wait in line with me to be my guardian. The thought of me standing in line looking the way I did consumed me! It made me want to die at that moment. How could a mother not understand. I dont know if she did it on purpose or if in fact she just didnt understand that fear. A couple of times I cried and refused so much that she would drive off enraged and cussing at me telling me to grow up and handle my business. Was that insensitive or was it the push I needed? I stand here in line and look around at the people. Chin down eyes interested but im not as fearful or embarrassed as before. And people dont even noticed me or talk about me or laugh at me like before. Its nice to think about how far ive came along. I try to focus on the positive parts of my experience. Im honestly grateful that my mom pushed me into the crowd during those times. I think thats why most of the time im resilient when it come to my face. Yea my face is still fucked up, I look like I belong with trolls at times. But I have alot of passion, alot of love, tons of great ideas and alot of life to live.
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