Sunday, July 31, 2011

What topic should i blog about next?

I have a lead but i would like to consider your opinions.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

my message to the person who shot me.

In a perfect world i would shake the hand of the person who shot me and tell him : thank you.
Yes i would, i would thank him for overall changing my life in the best possible way.
I was rebellious and careless , irresponsible and high. I was rude to my mother and gave a fuck about others but myself. I was never a violent person or an evil one either, i just didnt give a fuck about myself.
I would never come home or to school. I was so wrapped up in being a model and hangin with artist and getting in wr i was fitting in.
Although i cry from time to time when i look in the mirror closely or when i lay in my bed alone, i ultimately end up with the realization that : my whole life flipped a 360.
When i was a child i was a leader a scholar an international athlete a founder of a school , blah blah
Then during my teen years i fell through the cracks of the fast life.
That life was cut short at 18, and im glad it did.

Shooter: thank you son of a bitch, thank you so much for changing my life, youve brought nothing butsuccess ever since you pulled that trigger. Also thank you for only shooting once, yeah i figured it was intended... If you only shot one time and then drove away. Thank you for bringing me and my family closer, for letting me meet these great people who changed my life, thank you for bringing me this career that i have, thank you for making me find my calling in life.
I know that you are out there and i know you look at my page from time to time, i know you tremble when you see me, i laugh because youre so obvious. You dont have to worry about me , because i wont do you any harm instead I wish you luck in life, because what goes around comes around.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4


My mom and my little sister have visas now!!!!! Gracious universe!
I never thought it would happened. See somethingsdo happen for a reason. The way they where able to recieve their visas was through me, i petetioned for them.
There is a law written under homeland security that if a youth under 21 was a victim of crime, the victims are also the bioligical family members aka mom and eli! So we filled applications and vuala! Petition accepted!
Ive accomplished alot in my life, this is one of my proudest achievements.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Monday, July 25, 2011


Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Surgery #6

Good morning all,
I havent communicated with in a while. I was on vacation in mexico with my dad. I came back saturday evening.
Today is monday july 25,2011.
I have a surgical procedure to undergo this morning at 8:00am.
Yes another, and this isnt the last either. But im so excited.
Today i get permanent teeth. I get teeth implants. Since 2009 i have been wearing dentures due to the shooting. The shooting happened in 2008 but i was teethless from the right side until 09.
Well im just checking in, just cgecking in. I know that this surgery will turn out great.
Im a little scared but then i think: shit ive been through so much already , this is the easy parts.
(im actually scared af but i need to be positive cause what i say i receive)
I remember when i laid in the hospital bed with tubes coming out of my nose and throat and screws coming out of my face and i thought, "when is this gonna be over when will i look normal again?"
Well truth is , i dont look all the way 100 but i look so much different , much better than i looked when i came out of that surgery room the very first time on november 20 ,2008.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

a bruised soul

I am so tempted to buy a pack of cigarettes right now and smoke a couple out on the front stairs.
Today i cried for about 40min straight , in the shower. I never cry, my therapist says i have a disconnection with my emotions. She says she sees my eyes get watery but then i switch it off and my face is back normal again, shes never seen me cry. Its rare when i cry, but like i said i teared a river , the emotion that left my chest and stomach out into the vapors of the hot water were so deep. I cried about so many things.
My mother ran into the bathroom scared as a was weeping loudly. She was confused but then she understood. As i stood there crying naked covering my chest with my arms, she spoke to me and spoke tender words , she gave encourament and she said this was just a moment and this was going to pass and that i will be happy and that i am strong. Then she left , i cried louder. At that moment in time i think i would have rather been dead. I barely stood under the shower holding my stomach together thinking about how that moment changed my life about how that bastard who pulled the trigger broke me inside and out. I pictured my scarface and i started to cry. And then i thought about my brother and my dad and my mom and life. And life had me, there, miserable, in tears.
Ive been putting alot of pressure on my dad , bashing him behind his back on my blog. And tonight after a phone call from my cousin in mexico i realized that i didnt know as much as i thought i did. I admitt i feel a little guilty and remorseful, towards my daddy dear. Yes he was absent in our lives, but the one who left the family was, my mom. So where does that leave me? This whole time ive been blaming him but in fact she, she was the one who left. Literally from one hour to the next, vanished from one country to the other. Such a tricky emotion.
I need to see my dad, and embrace him and hug him so tight. I have him still, a little ill but hes here, i need to be gracious... Oh life of mine.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Monday, July 11, 2011

Friday, July 8, 2011

A day in the life , the Youth Alive life

WTF is the point of having a "dad" ?!

wtf, disappointing ass males1 I just cant understand and i dont even want to try to understand , there shouldnt be an excuse at this point hello its 2011 , your kids are hella old now. PEACE!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

To my brother G

Burn it homes, isnt that what your friends always say? Get money and fuck bitches all day?! I know deep inside you wanna run away catch a plane and move to another state. This life here in oakland is nothing but shit, all niggas in the streets fuck the same hoes use the same drugs and wear the same clothes. You say you wanna die young, truly you sound dumb. Theres something wrong in your dome. It seems like you hate home. I aint trippin no moe im eighteen, shit aint the same anymore. There where nights i couldnt sleep thinking about you getting killed, put in a bag and took to a creek but now you really killed my dreams i see past you and i got differeng views. I still love you and your still my hero even though you lost your mind. Yellin r.i.p. To yo niggas 6 feet deep standing there thinking "that couldve been me" im not gonna sit here and ask why anymore because i got a life, if you wanna stay behind then go ahead and die. Theres nothing colder than hearing a young girl cry. But i cant do shit about the situation where the colors dont split thats why you die young where the bullets fly
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Saturday, July 2, 2011

No no no no no

I just had a dream I shot some one and killed him. It was so graphic. The guy was actually shooting at some people i know and i ran and tried to take the gun away from him but instead I turned it on him and shot him several times in his neck. He instantly died. Then his whole crew was looking for me and my family, I had to move and leave my job behind.
I am so scared I woke up sweating and heart beating, just like I always used to wen my pstd was thru the roof after getting shot.
This is a nightmare, and just wen I thought I was mentally heald I realize my brain and emotions are still suffering. I have to try and get sleep, work in a couple hours fml.

Friday, July 1, 2011

stress disorder

you have no idea how scared i am of having this meeting with my mentor my boss and my therapist!!!! today at 1! fuck no i don't want to do it. the truth is , they've been noticing some changes in me, and they want to meet to talk about it!!!
i am holding so much in ever since my brother got put away , i know that i will explode into tears and sorrow when i open my mouth... I DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE THAT!!!
so i have PTSD which is post traumatic stress disorder, i have a stress disorder, when i am stressed or get depressed i start forgetting the simplest things!
but shit i am so stressed its not even healthy. i have to deal with so many peoples shit! i have people calling me from jail during work and then they get mad that i don't answer?!!? sorry bitch I HAVE A JOB , A RESPONSIBILITY. i will never waste time and put a jail person before my career.
then i have this weight on my shoulder about my brother, in my family i am the one with the income and some if we want to do anything it all comes down to me, WTFFF?!!!!
and of course im dealing daily with my insecurities and scars and deformation and weight and all this shit.
i dont know what to fucking do.