Tuesday, July 12, 2011

a bruised soul

I am so tempted to buy a pack of cigarettes right now and smoke a couple out on the front stairs.
Today i cried for about 40min straight , in the shower. I never cry, my therapist says i have a disconnection with my emotions. She says she sees my eyes get watery but then i switch it off and my face is back normal again, shes never seen me cry. Its rare when i cry, but like i said i teared a river , the emotion that left my chest and stomach out into the vapors of the hot water were so deep. I cried about so many things.
My mother ran into the bathroom scared as a was weeping loudly. She was confused but then she understood. As i stood there crying naked covering my chest with my arms, she spoke to me and spoke tender words , she gave encourament and she said this was just a moment and this was going to pass and that i will be happy and that i am strong. Then she left , i cried louder. At that moment in time i think i would have rather been dead. I barely stood under the shower holding my stomach together thinking about how that moment changed my life about how that bastard who pulled the trigger broke me inside and out. I pictured my scarface and i started to cry. And then i thought about my brother and my dad and my mom and life. And life had me, there, miserable, in tears.
Ive been putting alot of pressure on my dad , bashing him behind his back on my blog. And tonight after a phone call from my cousin in mexico i realized that i didnt know as much as i thought i did. I admitt i feel a little guilty and remorseful, towards my daddy dear. Yes he was absent in our lives, but the one who left the family was, my mom. So where does that leave me? This whole time ive been blaming him but in fact she, she was the one who left. Literally from one hour to the next, vanished from one country to the other. Such a tricky emotion.
I need to see my dad, and embrace him and hug him so tight. I have him still, a little ill but hes here, i need to be gracious... Oh life of mine.
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