Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Perks of being in the hospital :) get an automatic bed ! get to live in a different room wt a bathroom! meet and learn great things from doctors and nurses wear cool pajamas
5.VICODIN get to watch tv all day(this is new for me) get visitors who really care about you get 3 meals a day, (breakfast is the best) get abundant time to read and do homework least your alive.
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Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Around my hometown, memories are fresh.
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Monday, August 29, 2011

Hospitalized for days

"I just want to set you on fire so i wont have to burn alone , then youll know what im going thru."

Right now i feel like a soldier in a helicopter getting ready to land on battlefield. Knowing whats coming , all of the complications and fears and traumas. Its a horrible feeling.
Right now im at the hospital in the oral maxillary department with gauze in my mouth... mouth sore , bloody and implantless.
Mission "implants" failed. i started developing swelling and soreness on the outside of my incision so i came to the hospital and they said i will have to be admitted into the hospital for a couple of days.
I have the biggest migrane right now my makeup is smeared because of all of the crying ive been doing.
This morning was not suppose to go this way.
Truthfully im scared to put on that robe , to lay in that bed, to receive and walk around with that iv, to eat the nasty hospital food, to be inside of that room , to sleep in the hospital. All sorts of stress disorders will be aroused and energized. I dont want to go through this.
It brings me back to those eerie grey cold days when i was hospitalized. I just wanted to go home.
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At the hospital,again.

Yup, I'm at the hospital again, I wasn't lying wen I said this was my second home. So for the first time in my hospital history I have a post surgical problem. As you may have read a couple of weeks ago I had surgery and well it's been all bad since then. So I'm here now at highland, one of my comfort homes. I'm awaiting to get seen by the doctors. Who knows what will happen today but I know it's something serious. I've never had a complication post surgery ,this is the first, shucks.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Anger and alcohol

So angry right now, i just heard my sister tell her side of the story. I want to kill him. I have a fire burning inside i feel like crashing a car while driving it and dying sometimes.
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Thursday, August 25, 2011

I get so frustrated sometimes.

Check it , before getting shot i was on the road to media success.
I loved it , it was my passion, photo-shoots,blogs,music video appearances,meetings for shows with MTV,promoting parties in different cities, fashion shows,designing, styling models, featured in the newspaper, recording music. I had my hands full , full of what i wanted. 
I had boys galore ,girls galore shit was gooood.
 Now i see my folks coming up and im a little jealous, like FUCK i couldve beeeen on the map if it wasnt for this fucken deformity that i walk around with, my fucking face kills it man.
For the most part im coo, i mean i gotta a promising job now that i do love with a passion, great salary,people know my name in the community  blah blah but, im not complete.
There is a big chunk that still remains empty in my happy cirle... its the media fufillment. oh and also the male that i want in my life, but we will leave that for another blog haha.
anyways yes its this artsy part of me that just laid back and locked itself in a treasure chest ever since i got shot. i guess its cause of the insecurity, i mean obviously i cant be a model anymore , and idk i guess i have to get 100% comfortable with myself to even want to try to be on tv.
Its just alot of shit that i still want to do.
sometimes i wish i was never shot, i probably wouldve been famous by now. 
i believe things do happen for a reason , after being shot i left that social butterfly attitude and went back to that scholar community leader i was before i started getting into modeling.
i dont miss my old life , i just miss my old confidence to be out there.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Caheri Gutierrez
my cousin & I
My cousin Llesenia , my little sister Eli and Me Caheri
from left to right: Llesenia, Eli, Johana, Caheri


Caheri's Closet is coming to town

Ideally I would like to collaborate with a photographer, so we can get focused clear pictures of the fabrics and quality of the clothes and shoes. I am incorporating a model to better display the clothing and accesories.
I hope to get the pictures up and posted within 2-3 weeks.

holler if u hear me:

hope that aint all you got

x rays before the bone implant

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

She died on November 20,2008

Daniel and I sat at buttermilk restaurant in Oakland California, on a thursday it was about 9:15pm november 20,2008. That was the last public place that ever saw my appearance as I was before, before the shooting at least.
Hours before our dinner I receieved a call from my mom asking me to help her clean the office she was working at during that time, I agree. It was getting closer to night time and The office still needed to be cleaned. As I sat in that chair high with akward Daniel I thought it would be a great idea if my best friend came along. So I called her "hey bitch come with me to clean the office I'll be there in 15 mins" she replied "bitch it's hella late my dad is gonna be trippin off me" then I said "man just come I'll be outside in 15 bye"
We left the restaurant and headed north east towards the 30's to pick my bestie up. Now a party of three headed to the office; I sparked up a blunt and turned up the music. We rode on the 580 freeway...destination 98th ave exit golf links.
Daniel drove the sl500 Mercedes Benz I sat in the passenger seat and my best friend Maricel chilled in the back. We hit the exit as I hit the marijuana, the smoke danced in front of me when I exhaled. I was relaxed with only one real thought: the office. The office was located by the Oakland airport and we where almost there. Now coming down 98th ave we passed up e.14 ,then A st then B...C,D.
We all sat quiet all you heard was the music.
we pulled up at the stop light on 98th ave and San leandro blvd.

One gun, one bullet, one shooter,one young girl.
SHOCCCCKKKSSSSSSSSSSSSS , From the top of my head electrifying me to the bottom of my feet. I couldn't make any sense of what was occurring.then I hear so lightly in the background a voice I recognized: my best friend , she's screaming "what's going on?! Ahhhhhh what the fuck what the fuck!" I could barely hear her but I knew she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Then I react.
Daniel is shouting "I'm shot I'm shot!" I turn to look at him and he's displaying his arm at me, he had a bullet wound through his arm. I tried to grab his arm, that's when he pulled back and said "oh my god Caheri! Your shot Caheri!" that's when it made sense. I touched my face and my hand slumped in. I looked foward to the dashboard squinted my eyes and realized that my skin, cheek, bone and teeth laid there in a bloody mess. My heart started racing, I look around, I looked behind me to the right and I see it. The bullet hole.

Blood is gushing, people inside of the car screaming and me I sat there facing forward and started fading. All of the lights started looking blurry, I started to lose my breath and then ... A blanket of sleepiness seemed to posses my body ,so heavily that I could barely even keep my eye lids open. I wasn't in any pain, I was numb and aware.

I started feeling like I was leaving,falling asleep so heavily and quickly, one thought came to mind: my mom. Then another: I hope she knows I didn't die in any pain.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Speaker

As I continue this journey in life and my career , I have been lucky enough to have met the right people
Part of my job description is to be a speaker... for our non profit and for our curriculum.
My first experience speaking outside of the agency was for Mr. Kevin Grant 
I spoke in front of a girls juvenile hall probation group.
ever since then ive been networking and landing contracts with various organizations.
Thanks to the girls scouts of North America
I was given the opportunity to become a speaker for Santa Clara County
I spoke inside of the Santa Clara County Juvenile Hall (amazing experience)
and also at a couple other detention centers around the county.

I am now a consultant for the city of Oakland Ca. 
None of this would have been made possible without 
Tammy Cloud , Lisa Wild , Anne Marks and Kevin Grant
thank you from the heart.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The who,where,when and why's

Based on the comments I receive, I realize that people don't know the whole story. Makes sense, I blog about feelings and certain stages but I don't think I've told the story from beginning to the end. I'll get to that in a couple of days. Till then are there any specific questions about the incident you would like answered?
Ex. Where you the intended target?

Fuckin around haha

All she could do was pray

As i kept spazzing out in the front seat, kicking the dashboard out of desperation , gargaling up blood and reaching for a hand to the back seat sat my friend Maricel crying. She was crying a scared cry. All i remember was her screaming
I tried to look back but when i did she caught a glimpse of my face and started screaming even more and then looked down. All she could do was reach out her hand and grab mines.
I love her so much.
When the cops called the ambulance she ran out of the car and was yelling like a mad woman "why are they taking so long where are they? My friend needs help why are they taking so longggg?!"
I remember everything. By the time i was getting ready to pass out, the ambulance finally came. They helped me stand up and layed me on that thing ,they pushed me unto the ambulance and slammed the doors. The paramedic was asking me if i knew my name , then she had me write my social, and my age. The whole time i had my hand on my wound (my jaw). I felt uncomfortable laying in that position so i used both of my hands to push me on the bed more comfortably, thats when i felt and saw my face drop. I saw blood cloths, tissue chunks of skin fall to the ground on the paramedics feet. She picked up the messanger and yelled " level 1 trauma level 1 trauma! "
That was the first sign, i knew what had happened to me then was gonna be a the start of a long dark road.
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Friday, August 12, 2011


mario rivas


Dad, i miss you

dad and me at the gulf of santa ana in Mexico


i was so scared to come downstairs in that dress! lol

Daddy and me at a Chinese Restaurant after my course graduation that I took in Mexico

Gang Wars: Oakland

this just came in the mail! im so excited , i ordered it for the purpose of presenting a clip from it during one of my workshops that talks about " Gangs & Turfs " , crazy part about it is my brother actually makes his screen debut in this documentary. Its a little sad but its reality, I cant wait to show my students!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

"they killed a 3 year old" in oakland california

very graphic video recorded in oakland just outside of the village community center in oakland california.
it really breaks my heart apart to watch this movie, i dont even want to imagine the mothers agony.​ch?v=MLAKcPW5PfM

my letter to my brother

Dear Gustavito Gutierrez,

Como estas hermano mio? Te extrano y me siento mal que no te eh contestado pero , my moneys been low and haven’t put any money on my phone for that reason. But I just read ur recent letter and I have a little bit of time here at work to write you so ima do what it do.
First of all I wanted to say… well most importantly that I love you and will always be here to support you with what you go through cause ur my carnal, and I know you need help. It truly makes me sad Gustavo, it makes me sad that you are in jail ,AGAIN. I just hate to know that your in jail and really I hate to realize what got you in jail. YOU got yourself in jail, your decisions. Don’t think this letter is gonna be a sermon cause its not im just stating the facts. The reason you got into this life was because you wanted to feel loved you wanted to have brotherhood, males who understood you and made you laugh and feel like a man since we didn’t have our dad around. That’s understandable but hey I didn’t have our dad around either? That isn’t an excuse for me, theres plenty of other men who didn’t have their dads of course a lot of them did turn to drugs alcohol gangs and shit but not every man did, which means you don’t cant blame your mistakes and decisions on that fact.  I had my wild experiences too growing up and look where it got me, it got me starring at my bones and flesh ad teeth and blood on the dashboard of a car one day in November 2008. Luckily I lived and I can be here to make a change. You had a very similar experiences actually quite a few , with getting shot In the head , shot at…drug overdosing, and bunch of other shit I probably don’t know of cause u know I would go on and on about how you fuckin up G. And yet you still continued your ways. What is it going to take I ask myself? How can I help someone who doesn’t want to help himself HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW? I beat myself up about it Gustavo cause that’s just the person that I am, how can I help how can I help?!?!!? Times I sit and think about your face, I see those beautiful almond eyes , those signature lips that all the girls liked, your face shape, your nose, your ears, your facial hair your straight white teeth and most of all your beautiful smile and I start to miss you, I start to miss the old tavo , its been so long since ive had an honest conversation with you because every time we talk I know your high off some drug or your hungover or your just not there or shit recently we barely talked at all. Why is it that it has to take something tragic for us to get back tight like we wr when we wr little kids, huh remember that G ?! we used to play WWF and you would do the head lock and stone cold steve Austin me and elis’ asses! Outta pocket ass nigga almost broke our bones! Haahahahaha those were some good times, I remember being so proud of you one day at school when we had to bring some of our personal belongings to sell in the cafeteria to fundraise for something …but you wr selling some tight ass drawing your drew yourself and everyone was like damn your brother got skills your brother go! and they even bought a couple drawings from you I think? But that event is one of the events wr I have been proud to be your sister. How about that time you blew me away? … im typing this in my office with my eyes all teary …Remember when you came to present with me? You blew me away when I called you to come outside and there you go walking up to my car with a buttoned up white collard shit and some slack pants with your hair nicely combed back. You made me so proud that you even had the idea to represent yourself like that. Then you had so much courage to keep it real and let other people question you and you laid yourself out and gave it your best shot and you blew those people out the park boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Shit that was a good memory I felt so proud that day, and I know you did too. I saw the expression on your face when you got in the car you tried to keep it nonchalant but your happiness was beating you and a big as smile and big ass eyes was what was portraying on your face. Damn homie you even had the people follow you to the car and shake your hand , remember that G? What a good memory.
I want to have more memories like that of you tavo, I don’t want to keep referring to gangs and scars and drugs and when I think of you I want to see you shine. You have so many talents.
The fuck have any of them foos done for you??? Every time you get locked up its US whos always there supporting you encouraging you , putting money in your books. Look I know my mom is hard on you, but that’s cause she knows you can do better plus shes hurt G , all them times you put her on the line, you know? So have a little remorse , I know now that your in there you realize a lot and you stop taking us for granted a lot less.
Your kids need you, they need a father like you need yours right?
Ali is so funny, I took her out to dinner for her birthday and me and eli started talking about you and she goes :” tavo is ugly ! “ ahaha me and eli started cracking up and of course eli defends you , then Ali said that she didn’t want you to be at her birthday party cause you wr gonna smash her head in the cake!!!! Lmao damn she just cant get over that! And eli said no mami not this year he wont do that to you, and she goes yes he is hes gonna be there, in other words deep down inside she wants you to be there , but its crazy how that’s the memory of you that stands out to her the most . then she goes I want tavo to be there in my quincenera so he can smash my head in the cake that day! Lmao me and eli started dyinggggg! Oh little ali you know your daughter is crazy… I wonder who she gets it from???!! Haha Tony is great hes getting bigger and cuter everyday , he loveeessss my mom , hes always telling me and eli “ NO!” …well damn! But he calls my mom “ ma” and hes so cute. My mom is throwing him a bday party in oct.
As for me ive been chillin man , don’t trip ive laid off that shit and the drank too im coo man, since I had surgery ive calmed down a lot. Im just living loving my job and the change im making in our community. I do it because I don’t want there to be anymore kids like us on the streets, kids who get shot and their lives have to change so traumatically. I love my job because I know that I can help some kids who are on that path that you began years ago, I can encourage them to think about alternatives and think about the outcomes. Im still single and I hate it, I want to have a man in my life already , Eli is rarely home shes a grown ass married woman damn near ,  I guess I have to get use to that, and moms is good with her husband , its just me left with no partner, saving the world , taking trips buying all this shit , doing big things all on my own and I have no one to lean on. Of course theres lames out there who want to get with me, but I have trust issues and high ass standards, which reminds me… your “friend” pelon … he is NOT a factor Gustavo so don’t think that I would give his as the time of day he may be cute but that’s about it, you know I don’t fuck with low life losers like your friends weve had this discussion many times before! Check youself snaps fingers* ahahahaah im serious tho.
Well I printed some pictures out for you hope you enjoy them and love them.
Don’t trip your address and shit is on your fb page so if bitches love you they’ll shoot you some love. I didn’t write to those girls and gave em the info so yea.
I love you so much I hope your starting to really make a healthy positive change in there G. Ive been getting my foot in through the doors with these p.o.’s and attorneys and chiefs and shit , don’t trip something will work out for you , hopefully we can get you out and put you on a felon program out here in the free world, Emilio runs that program man I know he’ll hook you up. I love you brother. I miss you so much. I miss the old you. I hope when you come out , whenever that is…that you change for the better but that you remain that same boy I grew up with and I just hope that you can open your mind and realize what you’ve done with all of your life and realize that you are still young and that you still have A LOT to accomplish if you really get on your shit. Don’t ever think you weren’t cut out for this successful shit our even cut our for this life… out of all those thousands of sperms that tried to get a change YOU wr the one who made it , think about it …YOU beat all of those possibilities and you made it to this world. You’re here for a reason G , your one special maafucka you hear me????! Now all you gotta do is believe that deep down inside and youll see doors will start opening up. I love you till death do us apart.

-         CG

I walk around scared

All these layers of trauma and stress presure and disorganized mess, relationship status and weight on my chest. What the fuck am i "suppose" to do, how the fuck am i "suppose" to act?!
I dont even care , i dont even bother thinking about that response because when the lights cut off at the end of the night and im in my bed alone all i have is myself and my brain and my skills and my thoughts and my goals and thats whats important. Not what i should and shouldnt say.
Unless of course its professional, being at work is something else we all have to code switch when we have to be professional but we cant be professionals all day , especially me im new to this whole thing , ive been a crazy kid most of my life so whenever i get the chance to be in a room where i can take off my professional coat , i take it off and i embrace me. Crazy little smart ass caheri from the east. Goodnight people. Dont judge me, its not healthy.
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Monday, August 8, 2011


sometimes i stop myself because i wonder what you will think of me, how you will act towards me after you discover some shit about me. Not that i have anything to hide, i keep it truthful even if the truth hurts. but um , idk sometimes i feel stupid for saying some shit i say. 

I asked you what i should write about next and relationships was one of the topics so i went ahead
maybe its just the mood im in.

maybe its just the coffee , maybe it is the subject, idk i just wasnt feeling it.
carry on...


this isnt my favorite subject, but uh ill speak my mind.
i mean call me bitter , call me hurt, say im wrong... thats okay, im not an expert on relationship but ill give it to ya how i see.
(rubs palms together, cracks neck)

i personally have never been in a relationship for more that 10 months -___-
most of the time , it was me who broke it up.
most times i dated , i fell in "love" with the person
i remember one time "anonymous" on formspring wrote: your so pathetic you say you love every one of your boyfriends.
Thank you for that comment because you reminded me at that moment that i did felt as if i loved those few at that moment.

when caheri gets into a relationship: its for the taking , its 100% until my partner does something to break that trust.

TRUST : is a word that has huge depth. I start every single man that stands in front of me proposing to be my partner , with 100% trust from day one... although i know that they deserve maybe 2% of my trust, but i give them the benefit of the doubt.

-a very influential woman said that to me and it stuck with me.

this is fucken stupid.

i just cant get into it, why am i telling you about some shit i dont care about?