Thursday, August 11, 2011

my letter to my brother

Dear Gustavito Gutierrez,

Como estas hermano mio? Te extrano y me siento mal que no te eh contestado pero , my moneys been low and haven’t put any money on my phone for that reason. But I just read ur recent letter and I have a little bit of time here at work to write you so ima do what it do.
First of all I wanted to say… well most importantly that I love you and will always be here to support you with what you go through cause ur my carnal, and I know you need help. It truly makes me sad Gustavo, it makes me sad that you are in jail ,AGAIN. I just hate to know that your in jail and really I hate to realize what got you in jail. YOU got yourself in jail, your decisions. Don’t think this letter is gonna be a sermon cause its not im just stating the facts. The reason you got into this life was because you wanted to feel loved you wanted to have brotherhood, males who understood you and made you laugh and feel like a man since we didn’t have our dad around. That’s understandable but hey I didn’t have our dad around either? That isn’t an excuse for me, theres plenty of other men who didn’t have their dads of course a lot of them did turn to drugs alcohol gangs and shit but not every man did, which means you don’t cant blame your mistakes and decisions on that fact.  I had my wild experiences too growing up and look where it got me, it got me starring at my bones and flesh ad teeth and blood on the dashboard of a car one day in November 2008. Luckily I lived and I can be here to make a change. You had a very similar experiences actually quite a few , with getting shot In the head , shot at…drug overdosing, and bunch of other shit I probably don’t know of cause u know I would go on and on about how you fuckin up G. And yet you still continued your ways. What is it going to take I ask myself? How can I help someone who doesn’t want to help himself HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW? I beat myself up about it Gustavo cause that’s just the person that I am, how can I help how can I help?!?!!? Times I sit and think about your face, I see those beautiful almond eyes , those signature lips that all the girls liked, your face shape, your nose, your ears, your facial hair your straight white teeth and most of all your beautiful smile and I start to miss you, I start to miss the old tavo , its been so long since ive had an honest conversation with you because every time we talk I know your high off some drug or your hungover or your just not there or shit recently we barely talked at all. Why is it that it has to take something tragic for us to get back tight like we wr when we wr little kids, huh remember that G ?! we used to play WWF and you would do the head lock and stone cold steve Austin me and elis’ asses! Outta pocket ass nigga almost broke our bones! Haahahahaha those were some good times, I remember being so proud of you one day at school when we had to bring some of our personal belongings to sell in the cafeteria to fundraise for something …but you wr selling some tight ass drawing your drew yourself and everyone was like damn your brother got skills your brother go! and they even bought a couple drawings from you I think? But that event is one of the events wr I have been proud to be your sister. How about that time you blew me away? … im typing this in my office with my eyes all teary …Remember when you came to present with me? You blew me away when I called you to come outside and there you go walking up to my car with a buttoned up white collard shit and some slack pants with your hair nicely combed back. You made me so proud that you even had the idea to represent yourself like that. Then you had so much courage to keep it real and let other people question you and you laid yourself out and gave it your best shot and you blew those people out the park boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Shit that was a good memory I felt so proud that day, and I know you did too. I saw the expression on your face when you got in the car you tried to keep it nonchalant but your happiness was beating you and a big as smile and big ass eyes was what was portraying on your face. Damn homie you even had the people follow you to the car and shake your hand , remember that G? What a good memory.
I want to have more memories like that of you tavo, I don’t want to keep referring to gangs and scars and drugs and when I think of you I want to see you shine. You have so many talents.
The fuck have any of them foos done for you??? Every time you get locked up its US whos always there supporting you encouraging you , putting money in your books. Look I know my mom is hard on you, but that’s cause she knows you can do better plus shes hurt G , all them times you put her on the line, you know? So have a little remorse , I know now that your in there you realize a lot and you stop taking us for granted a lot less.
Your kids need you, they need a father like you need yours right?
Ali is so funny, I took her out to dinner for her birthday and me and eli started talking about you and she goes :” tavo is ugly ! “ ahaha me and eli started cracking up and of course eli defends you , then Ali said that she didn’t want you to be at her birthday party cause you wr gonna smash her head in the cake!!!! Lmao damn she just cant get over that! And eli said no mami not this year he wont do that to you, and she goes yes he is hes gonna be there, in other words deep down inside she wants you to be there , but its crazy how that’s the memory of you that stands out to her the most . then she goes I want tavo to be there in my quincenera so he can smash my head in the cake that day! Lmao me and eli started dyinggggg! Oh little ali you know your daughter is crazy… I wonder who she gets it from???!! Haha Tony is great hes getting bigger and cuter everyday , he loveeessss my mom , hes always telling me and eli “ NO!” …well damn! But he calls my mom “ ma” and hes so cute. My mom is throwing him a bday party in oct.
As for me ive been chillin man , don’t trip ive laid off that shit and the drank too im coo man, since I had surgery ive calmed down a lot. Im just living loving my job and the change im making in our community. I do it because I don’t want there to be anymore kids like us on the streets, kids who get shot and their lives have to change so traumatically. I love my job because I know that I can help some kids who are on that path that you began years ago, I can encourage them to think about alternatives and think about the outcomes. Im still single and I hate it, I want to have a man in my life already , Eli is rarely home shes a grown ass married woman damn near ,  I guess I have to get use to that, and moms is good with her husband , its just me left with no partner, saving the world , taking trips buying all this shit , doing big things all on my own and I have no one to lean on. Of course theres lames out there who want to get with me, but I have trust issues and high ass standards, which reminds me… your “friend” pelon … he is NOT a factor Gustavo so don’t think that I would give his as the time of day he may be cute but that’s about it, you know I don’t fuck with low life losers like your friends weve had this discussion many times before! Check youself snaps fingers* ahahahaah im serious tho.
Well I printed some pictures out for you hope you enjoy them and love them.
Don’t trip your address and shit is on your fb page so if bitches love you they’ll shoot you some love. I didn’t write to those girls and gave em the info so yea.
I love you so much I hope your starting to really make a healthy positive change in there G. Ive been getting my foot in through the doors with these p.o.’s and attorneys and chiefs and shit , don’t trip something will work out for you , hopefully we can get you out and put you on a felon program out here in the free world, Emilio runs that program man I know he’ll hook you up. I love you brother. I miss you so much. I miss the old you. I hope when you come out , whenever that is…that you change for the better but that you remain that same boy I grew up with and I just hope that you can open your mind and realize what you’ve done with all of your life and realize that you are still young and that you still have A LOT to accomplish if you really get on your shit. Don’t ever think you weren’t cut out for this successful shit our even cut our for this life… out of all those thousands of sperms that tried to get a change YOU wr the one who made it , think about it …YOU beat all of those possibilities and you made it to this world. You’re here for a reason G , your one special maafucka you hear me????! Now all you gotta do is believe that deep down inside and youll see doors will start opening up. I love you till death do us apart.

-         CG

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