fire bomb

because right now i feel like im burning inside from all of these built up disappointments and reminders.

 I finally gathered the courage to meet with a cosmetic doctor, it left me very discouraged. Its times like those that make me think "why me?"

After flirting with the thought of cosmetic surgery for such a long time I finally decided to contact a plastic surgeon. I was referred to him by a beautiful woman who worked inside of Juvenile hall in Santa Clara, CA. She sat in on my presentation and approached me when i was done. She had alot of great things to say about this surgeon , so many that she totally convinced me to make him the chosen one.

Of course im only 22 and i work at a non profit while going to college while financially supporting my mom and family at the same time , that means i dont have tons of money like i would like to. So one thing ive learned in business is that you must use your resources. My colleagues encouraged me to see a doctor and to tell him my story. Hopefully it would be compelling enough to make him propose a good deal or even consider referring me to some good people in his network.

The consultation was in San Jose this morning. I left work a little early so i could make it to my long awaited appointment. The whole ride i listened to poetic songs with smooth instrumentals like goapele and lana del rey, songs like that get me thinking. "What am i going to say to this surgeon? What is he going to choose to do to my face? Will he be sensitive? Should i even go through surgery? What does it mean about me if i get cosmetic surgery?" Thoughts circled one after the other like a rotating CD. This was a big step for me.

I parked my car, looked at my face in the mirror ...took a deep breath and threw a spearmint gum in my mouth. I was nervous when i entered the clinic doors. Straight ahead was a big sign that had all of the suite numbers along with the names of the doctors. I found my destination and signed in.
My heart is beating; in front of me I see a couple of beautiful women in Marie Claire and Cosmo magazines . I picked one up and simultaneously thought  "i bet he has these here to encourage women to want to be like these models on the front cover"

The door opens and a woman says " Ca -Harry ? ". I get up immediately and again my heart starts racing. She directs me to an empty room and says that the doctor will be with me momentarily. This room looks like one of the many rooms in highland.

 I told him a little bit about how i work to prevent violence and impact many youth in my community and how surgery would help with my self esteem whenever i go out in public as a speaker. Our conversation was dry, It was very divorced from emotion. Which reminded me... this is just a business. I didnt compel him , and he didnt have any further resources for me. He said that this particular area in San Jose had a very little cosmetic/dentist community. I gave him a copy of my story and he was a little confused it seemed like. Then he patted me on my back and said "well good for you" and sent me on my way. LOL , in twitter this would be considered a big fat #FAIL.

I left with my heart pumping and my eyes watery. I realized it wasnt because i didnt get the response i wanted but because I found myself getting under-minded and belittled by a cosmetic surgeon when i shouldnt even be going to a fucking cosmetic surgeon at 22 years young in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to hold my tears back as i drove away from the stupid clinic. It was a very long drive from San Jose back to my office in Oakland. I had a lot of time to evaluate my thoughts but the thought of "why me" over lapped everything else. My experience was disappointing, but it doesnt mean that i should give up. I now have more time to look and stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if i should pursue this again.

Its 5:25pm and im feeling very blue and depressed. I think i will go and play volleyball tonight.