dear heart and mind

Why is it that when you desire someone they dont desire you back? Why is that when youre not interested in someone, the other person dying to make you theirs?
Love is never mutual. Maybe thats the way its ment to be for me.
The person that im interested in doesnt give one fuck if i lived or died tomorrow, thats how i feel. But knowing all these things that i know now as far as violence and abusive relationships and safe dating, im shamed to say that i am not safe dating. Im suppose to be with someone who cares about me as much as i do for them , and emotional abuse is suppose to stay out of the picture, but it doesnt. And i cant help but to try and try to make things work out between us two.

I dont struggle staying away from that fucked up lifestyle that i once lived. You know the lifestyle where i smoked hella weed and never gave a fuck if i lived or died. But i do still struggle with one thing...MY CHOICE OF MEN. Maybe it has to do with my father that was never there, maybe it has to do with my mother and her selection of men, or maybe it was my hood and what i was brought up believing was a "real n*gga".

I know right from wrong , i know love and i know hate but i dont know how to stay away. When im with him , i get a feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like i shouldnt be there. But my body tells me different, my body just wants to hug and kiss and hold his. Maybe its the history that we have, the foundation that we built, the trips that we took together, when we lived together. I know everything about him, the reasons why hes so cold. I know every inch of his body , every inch of his tall black soul.
But im not stupid, and he talks to me like i am. He tells me im everything im not.

Today i taught a lesson about dating violence. A 55 minute session where i preached to these middle school kids about how wrong it is to be in an abusive relationship, how you need to make yourself happy first, etc. When i finally took my break i walked to my car, hands in my pocket , head down...pensive. I sat and looked at the cementery and felt something heavy in my chest. I was carrying around the thought of him and I , the memories from our night before, the guilt. I realized then that i didnt want to become his girlfriend anymore. And i said ill be fine if him and i can just be friends, but then i thought about that...and i realized again that maybe that wasnt a great idea either. Although i have desires to be with him this is one hard but smart choice i am going to have to make in order to have a safe,healthy , happy future. I have to unlearn the definition of a "real n*gga" and learn the definition of a "real man".
Give me strenght,
Caheri.

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