Monday, June 18, 2012

havent felt this way in a while.

Im very resistant , im resilient , im real.
I understand that alot has changed since getting shot in my fucking face.
I dont look exactly how I did before. I have scars and my face is slightly indented , my mouth is crooked , I have to use dentures, I have a disguising tracheotomy scar on my neck. I know.

When people decide to make fun of me or put me down of course the first thing they use against me is my fucked up face. But for some reason the face comments never get under my skin.

Recently i have gotten this comment from about 4 people, one of those people is actually a very close family member.
"the only reason you have a job is because you got shot in the face"

last night a conversation turned into an argument , i was advising my good friend on getting a job and leaving these streets alone , all of a sudden we started arguing. He got upset and started raising his voice , so did i. I was telling him that he should get a job and stop drug dealing and his response was " its hard to get a job, there are no jobs" and i argued that. He then said to me
 "man the only reason you got your job is because you got shot"

That shit pierced right thru me , hurting me more that the night i actually got shot. Tears came down immediately , it was kind of embarrassing.
Its hard to make me cry. I developed this coping method when i was young plus the PTSD definitely made me become more detached from my emotions. But when i tell you those words pierced me , i tell no lie.

This was the 4th time someone told me that.

My sister was actually the first person to throw that shit in my face. She was mad , I told her off and that was her come back " the only reason you have a job is because you got shot " When i looked at her in disbelieve she even started grinning. Total bitch.

Another girl took my comment about not having kids personal, she actually misunderstood my comment. But it lead to her saying that "it must be my PTSD that has me talking like that" then she said the same thing " the only reason you actually have a job is because you got shot"

This made me reconsider alot , it even almost made me want to quit my job. It made me question my position at my job. Am i really here just because i got shot and i have visible scars and i have this crazy story to tell? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Yes i have all of those things i just mentioned, but i have more than that to offer this agency.

There are thousands of people who become victims of gun violence everyday , do they all get a job because they get shot? NO. It takes more that just a scar and a story , it take intelligence , articulation, credibility, charisma, diligence, communicating skills , the list of skills goes on.

This blog is  starting to take another turn. I didnt want to vent about how skilled I am. I just wanted to put these emotions down. Maybe I will come back to this topic.

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