Wednesday, January 23, 2013

dad and love

I had a beautiful conversation with my dad tonight , we talked about love. His words flowed, he was eloquent and concise.

Dad and I never had a close relationship when  was younger. My mother left him when i was only 4. Dad wasnt exactly "responsible" , he never contributed financially nor parentally. I didnt really know the guy. BUT we did travel to mexico (where he lives) on vacations. Even when we traveled miles to meet this man he never showed up. My grandmother was really our dad. Dad was distant , but i longed for closeness. I dreamed of having a dad, a hero, a protector. I grew up, i turned into a teen, went wild, had experiences, got shot. This drew us closer. One day after being released from highland hospital my dad called. I had a tracheal tube pierced through my throat which meant that air didnt reach my vocal chords other words i couldnt make sound , i coulnt talk. I put my ear to the phone and i heard him cry, i couldnt say a thing. All i could do was listen and think about how surreal that very moment was. Our relationship grew after that. My father has went through alot but i dont care how much time it has taken him to get his shit together, all i care about is the fact that i have a dad and HE IS GREAT. My dad is precious , I am so much like him! My daddy has sooo much patience. He is humble and he is creative. My dad is growing mentally and well he is aging too. I see it like this: time is short, so i am going to make the best of my dad. Well our communication has been more consistent throughout these years. He has earned my trust.

I started dating someone last year. He means alot to me. He kind of completes me, well im not sure.
This young handsome man boosted my confidence and knowing that he desires me drives my self esteem. Its a little scary because this makes me vulnerable. Since i met him my life became bright. He was the light of my eyes, the fire in my heart. Before meeting him I had serious self esteem issues... i mean if you read any of the old post's you'll know. For me its a sad realization , knowing that someone has the power to do that. Love to me is bullshit. Its bullshit when it comes to dating relationships. Ive never trusted men/makes/guys/dudes. You know ive came to a conclusion that MEN WILL ALWAYS CHEAT. ALL men. It has to be in their DNA, i swear. I see it everyday,hear about it all the time. Well i guess you can imagine what happened between he and I. I love him but i wont permit disrespect. I have very little tolerance to men and lot of pride. So of course i ended it. But i did it knowing that after a few days im going to finally answer his call and we're going to get back together.

"You're playing a game" says my dad. I updated him on the great news i received earlier today and about school and of course about my breakup. I told him i broke up with him to shake him up but that i was going to get back with him. Dad said that it wasnt a good idea that I shouldnt play games that instead i should have some dialog with him about the issue and find a solution. I was impressed with my dads advice. He went on to tell me that I shouldnt date him if i feel he isnt mature or prepared to be in a relationship. He said that i should value myself and not deal with someone who weighs me down. He said that im going to the top and that if anything is weighing me down i should take it off of me , dump it in a bag and just throw it out. He said i have plenty of time to meet someone, the right one. It was deep it made me think and it made me emotional. Not because i was thinking of my partner but because i was thinking of my dad and how beautiful our relationship has become. Here he is giving me advice on love. He congratulated me on school he told me I had a huge heart and that i was beautiful. His words were so attractive and perfect. I love my dad.

Im still getting back with my lover. A wise woman , a woman who i idolize and trust once told me this " all men are dogs, you just have to choose which one's shit youre willing to roll with". It is true no matter what race, region,financial stability or instability, race or color men will always be stupid and they will fuck up and they will cheat , so you just have to pick which one is going to make you the happiest ...for all that's worth. I dont bet on love when it comes to dating relationships. I have some serious talking to do with this man of mine. This is a make it or break it moment and right now i feel like so many great things are happening in my life that if he was subtracted it wouldnt take alot to fill his absence. But then again I love him.

Dad and I in Mexico

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