My brother dear, i miss you, i love you.

1 picture is worth 1000 words

You see I died in November of 2008.

It runs in the family

my favorite uncle Armando

This picture was taken this year for his 62nd birthday in the penitentiary

Most of my relatives have done time in the pen , which scares me. We grew up knowing and seeing this

(me and my brother) Although i love all of my uncles, i hope my brother doesnt go in that direction.

My bro has court again this Wednesday, im keeping my fingers crossed for a good deal.

the last time i talked to my brother on the phone he sounded so hopeless.

I love my brother with all of my existence, i hope he gets the chance he deserves.

I wish

I wish one day my dad would just surprise me by coming to America and visiting me. I was sitting outside of my house smoking a cigg and a random car pulled up, and for a split second i thought... Dad? Of course it wasnt him. I try to put myself in his shoes and understand.

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pictures from the interview today

in my room

my home

my niece Ali and our doggie Lola

remembering  my modeling work

Rest in Peace Johnny

my brothers jail identification and mug shot

my business card for Youth ALIVE!

pictures of a younger me.

Add caption

top: me and friends at a quincenera in East Oakland; bottom: my teammates and I on  4th of July

photographed by Shuka Kalantari

a video cameo wt Los Rakas

Los Rakas- Ta Lista

///

ricardo & caheri

dirac,dun & caheri



 

Linda & Monays wedding event

anticipating a great deal

Tomorrow September 17 , I will be interviewed by a reporter named Shuka from San Francisco , when I talked to her on the phone today she said she would be recording an audio and also there would be a camera filming.
We will meet tomorrow at 1 pm , here at my house. I have a weeding reception to go to tonight but im tryng to clean my room as much as possible! haha. Im excited to see how this turns out. I really dont know who she writes for or where she is from but my director connected us together, I trust my director.

From October 13-16 I will be in Chicago! I will be flying out to Chi town for a training, I am most excited about this trip, I thank my manager and John Torres for giving me this opportunity. Initially I was flying out to Minnesota ,but the program was changed, im actually happy about this change. Cant wait to further my knowledge and experience Chicago.

The high school homie Natassia also known as Kreayshawn and I have exchanged ideas about filming a story or documentary about oakland , including a few stories and mine. Honestly i think that would be dope because she is from Oakland and with her fame she can raise awareness on  a higher scale. Hopefully she finds sometime to make this happen. Not only is this girl a rapper but she has impeccable filming skills, Im excited.

In November Youth ALIVE! is celebration our big 20th year anniversary. I am anticipating this day with anxiety because I will be speaking at this event, I hope i dont get too nervous. The mayor will be there along with my colleagues and other members of the city and organizations.

Fashion has its many outlets.

in my favorite outfit 1994

Ive been obsessed with fashion since i can remember, I was so attracted
to colors, fabrics,cuts, and styles. When I was 15 I started designing
clothes, but even before that i was putting outfits together. As I got older i involved myself alot more. I helped style models for various photoshoots, including the NailsDid gig for the Vixens.
To cut the bullshit short, i just wanted to post some pictures up of my latest styling for the lovely Maricel Sacramento.
I want to venture off into fashion alot more and maybe promote styling people. Image is EVERYTHING and some people need a little extra hand to polish them up. If there is anything I am confident at...it is putting an outfit together that expresses your style to the world and makes you FEEL and LOOK admirable.




I wanted to combine an outfit that would be casually glamourous to ease into the afternoon and then the night. Right now my favorite style is the hipster and not only is it my favorite but it is also trending world wide. So i wanted to respect my models style which is simple glam, but i also wanted to jazz her up with something trendy, It doesnt matter what brand you are dressing yourself with, what really matters is how you style yourself. So dont think that you need to be laced in designer from head to toe to look and feel good.

Accessories are the key components of your ensemble, I paired these huge circle gold earrings with the look. It is glamorous enough yet simple and doesnt take away from the outfit.

Small shoulder purses are a must have for this season. This purse/clutch compliments the look perfectly and the chain link is exquisite. The watch is also a key accession.

The shoes were clutch when coming up with this outfit. There is no time restriction with these booties you can pair them with any outfit from dawn to dusk and still look good.

Polka Dots and black & white are fashionably timeless, and essential during this season. A notch collar with a very simple sleeveless cut on this shirt. Also the cream colored sensation makes all of the pieces to this outfit pop.

 light blue washed jeans shorts were a must, its all about detail.

 Its all about how you sequence the look! 

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Happy hour, RIGHT NOW

Alcohol is my best friend... And so is my mom and my sister, so we are all here now, enjoying. Today was a very busy day at work, i taught the safe dates curriculum at Frick middle school and then handled other responcibilities at the office, tomorrow is gonna be another busy day...assembly at Castlemont High School.

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Earl Robinson , The Great.

I want to take this time to honor a humble intelligent individual. I feel privileged to know this person and to be learning from the person. 

It was the first day of class... I was 30 minutes late. I wasn't gonna go anymore, but i said to myself "you dont have time to fail". So i decided to go anyways, i thought if the dumb professor gives me attitude im gonna give him attitude back and be like "hey...at least i came ". I found the class and of course everyone was sitting down looking at me...looking at the instructor. " um um um ... sorry im late " is what immediately came to mouth ... then i looked for a seat. "No no no young lady come up here, and you owe me 5 dollars."

What? then i chuckled, but i walked up. Everyone starts laughing and im red as a tomato. Thats when Earl Robinson and i first spoke. I gave him my excuse he gave me his response , i took a seat. He was nice and he was charismatic. I didnt speak during the rest of the class , i just soaked up every word from every person. Class was over everyone was rushing out the door while i was writing in my agenda, i zipped my backpack picked up my purse and strolled out. "MS. Gutierrez! ... may i have a word with you? " I turned around perplexed thinking what did i say? what did i do ...am i in trouble? 

It was none of the above; Mr. Robinson waited for the class to leave and then quietly asked me ... what happened to you dear?  His eyes looking at lower chin. I noticed from his voice tone and his eyes that he was sincere and a little upset.

I laugh...a relieved laugh. I said it so blunt just as he did... " I got SHOT" and opened my eyes when i said it. He asked the who what when where and hows... i explained. 

He said that i was still beautiful and that i have nothing to worry about that the men will still be smelling me. Not sure of what he meant exactly by that but i figured an idea.

After that day I gained much respect for Mr. Robinson. Every day has been a learning experience , a humbling experience and an inspiring experience.

Not only is Earl Robinson my professor , but he is also a CAL alumni honored athlete(CAL is my future university) , and a Major League Baseball player , but besides that ...one inspirational human being.

BERKELEY - Earl Robinson, a two-sport star for California in the 1950s who played both basketball and baseball for the Golden Bears, will be inducted into the Pac-10 Hall of Honor at a ceremony during the Pac-10 Men's Basketball Tournament in March.

The Hall of Honor recognizes a former player or coach from each conference school who has made significant contributions to the tradition and heritage of the Pac-10. In addition to Robinson, the other inductees are: Mike Bibby (Arizona), Jeremy Veal (Arizona State), Kenya Wilkins (Oregon), Dave Gambee (Oregon State), John Arrillaga (Stanford), Reggie Miller (UCLA), John Block (USC), Eldridge Recasner (Washington) and Paul Lindemann (Washington State).
A 6-1 guard on the hardwood, Robinson played under Hall of Fame coach Pete Newell and helped Cal to conference titles in 1956, '57 and '58, earning a spot on the All-Coast team twice and the All-Pacific Coast Conference squad three times. The last two teams advanced to the NCAA Tournament - Cal's first trips in more than a decade - and reached the West Regional final. The '58 team nearly advanced the Final Four, only to lose to an Elgin Baylor-led Seattle team in overtime.
Robinson was voted Cal's Most Inspirational Player as a senior in 1958 when he also served as team captain. He had his best statistical season during his junior campaign when he contributed 12.1 ppg, and he finished his career with 882 points, which ranked among the school's all-time top five.
Robinson, whose college roommate was Golden Bear legend Joe Kapp, was also a standout on the baseball diamond, where he earned All-America honors as a shortstop. During Cal's run to the 1957 NCAA championship, he paced the Bears with a .352 batting average. Because of his relationship with Kapp - the Bears' quarterback - Robinson was also a Cal yell leader during the 1957 football season.

Robinson signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers in the spring of 1958 when the National League organization first moved to the West Coast. In an era before sports agents, Robinson relied on the services of Cal law professor Adrian Kragen to negotiate a better deal with the Dodgers, and his $75,000 signing bonus was a record sum for a black baseball prospect at the time. Robinson made his Major League debut as a rookie third baseman in 1958, then was traded to the Baltimore Orioles before the 1961 season, where he converted to the outfield. He remained with the organization through 1964 and finished his career with a .268 batting average. Robinson returned to his alma mater as an assistant basketball coach in 1963 and stayed at Cal for three seasons. Then in 1966, Robinson was named head coach at Oakland's Merritt College, the first African-American head basketball coach in the California junior college system. He later moved to Laney College to teach speech classes and was credited with helping Rickey Henderson craft his well-received speech for the baseball Hall of Fame ceremonies this past summer. In addition, he also worked with the Oakland A's in the 1980s and spent time as an English teacher at Oakland's Castlemont High School.

hipster nails

The "hipster" style is taking over the world slowly, but surely. How can you be the biggest "hipster" in the land? Create these easy D.I.Y nail designs! Nail art is always in style, you can never go wrong with it! All you need is your different colours of nail polish, and a small toothpick or brush. "Hipsters" pay close attention to detail, make sure you do too! Triangles are one of the "hipster" trade mark: add a triangle to your nails and now you are a class one "hipster!"

-luuux

ptsd

Just a second ago i was fine.
But I accidently called her and told her im going to kill myself
Accidently?
Now shes worried, she says shell kill herself before she sees me die.
What have a created.
I keep calling her phone back
No one answers
I keep calling her phone back
No one answered.

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empty

im all out of ideas, i cant write any longer about my story, every time i think about it , it makes me wanna barf.

The Designer

Before i die, actually before December of 2011 I will have a few pieces made.

It has always been my dream to become a designer. I use to practice it heavily when i was 15 , 16 ... 

I was so devoted to my fashion designs , to my clothing line that i even got it tatted on me.

Yes my first tattoo was at 16, my older brother marked it on me. 

the name of my clothing line then was going to be " LAVISH LUXURY "

the name is catchy , but it has now been used by LRG ...hence the name Luxurie by LRG and it has been snagged entirely by the lovely Heidi Klum for her maternity line ...Lavish Luxury

so i have been voicing new names... Maniac by Caheri Gtz for example.

  ...or something of that nature.

My line will consist a variety of styles, I love fashion, I hope this project comes along strong, I know this project will come along strong.

Jim O'brien's : The Girl with the Mirror

Part 2: The Girl with the Mirror

I’ve heard Caheri Gutierrez describe her face as “deformed.”  That’s her prerogative, of course.  Certainly its irregularities -- after three surgeries limited to the right cheek and around her chin -- are noticeable, although no more so than her extraordinary eyes.  There is scarring and disproportion; there are isolated ripples and patches of raised skin.  The 21-year-old says she’s lost her mojo with men because of the changes to her face since it was shot up in a drive-by two-and-a-half years ago.  “Guys don’t holla at me like they used to,” she says.  Certainly it is not the face it used to be.  But it is beautiful again. 

You have to understand something about the face of Caheri (pronounced "carrie") Gutierrez, then and now.  If now it has sometimes a vulnerable, searching expression,then its expression was more of a prowl.  In modeling photographs taken in the year before the shooting, the face confronts you with one of human history’s miraculous hybrids, a perverse yet sublime symbol of what we can accomplish, over centuries, if we work together: the big, dark, almond shaped meso-American eyes and wide, pre-Columbian cheek bones; the flared, triangular, European nose and black hair; the dark skin -- burnt, Mexican; the full, downward, frowning mouth pure early 21^st Century Oakland, California, USA. 

Its attitude seems to pose a challenge that is both sexual and street.  It is intimidating.  All this, and the brashness of unambiguous beauty it exudes, express precisely the East Oakland Gutierrez grew up in as the sister of a gang member (shot when he was 17) and the daughter of a single mother who works as a waitress and cleans office buildings.

“I was kind of part of the whole Oakland thing.  When you’re young and you’re in Oakland it’s a trend to be bad, it’s a trend to smoke, it’s a trend to, you know, like, just not care, I don’t know, it’s stupid.  You want to be tough; you want to hang out in the streets.  When I was in high school I would cut school, go home, hang out, just chill, smoke, I used to smoke a lot of pot, smoke, just chill.  I was never violent but I would just, you know, chill out, not do much.”

One person, one gun, one dark urge and one powerful bullet on the night of November 18, 2008, and that face, with everything it represented -- beauty, history, our time and place, a person’s very identity -- was gone, half-shredded like a cheap grocery bag

Caheri Gutierrez in early 2008

I woke up remembering

The night of the shooting, after fighting to stay awake at the scene, in the ambulance and into the emergency room, Gutierrez had closed her eyes under the white hospital lights and begun to slip away.  Or maybe it was something else she was seeing.  Anyway, the last thing she remembers is a “very white light.”

It would be a week before her awareness returned.

“I woke up remembering.  I feel like I was woken right after, but I don’t remember anything until a week after.  I was intubated, I lost hearing from my right side, my face was paralyzed, I had no teeth.” 

Even before she remembers waking up, she’d been talking.  Writing, actually.  In a medicated daze, with no jaw and a tracheotomy tube stabbed into her throat, she was incapable of talking.  So she had a notepad.  “I’d start writing and then I would go to sleep in the middle.  How are yyyyy....”

Apparently, she’d been asking for her friends who’d been in the car with her, asking if she still had a nose, if she still had her right ear.  Asking for her mother.  Asking for a mirror. 

I knew I was not the same

The doctors had advised against giving her one.

“They said, ‘No mirrors inside the room, don’t let her see what she looks like.’  They were afraid I was going to go into a depression, a deep depression.” 

Her mother handed her one anyway.  A small makeup mirror.  It had to happen sooner or later.

“I had tubes everywhere.  This scar down on my jaw was up on my right cheek.  I had metal plates.  The trach scar.  Blood in my ear.  Blood in my fingernails.  I just looked ugly.”

She was toothless, bruised and swollen.  But Gutierrez says what she felt when she looked in that mirror was not shock or even sadness. 

“I knew I was not the same.  I expected it.  So when I saw myself, it was kind of like a relief, I was relieved.  Because I finally got to see my face.  And I knew that it wasn’t going to be pretty.  I wasn’t scared.” 

It’s hard to understand at first.  Relief over sadness.  But you get the sense that Gutierrez’s brain had been working all the time she was out, working, trying to understand her predicament.  And that now, finally seeing herself in the mirror was the proof she and her brain needed that she was alive.  After a brush with death that comes out of nowhere, ourselves, even our maimed selves looking back at us from a little mirror, may well be our most comforting companion. 

She kept the mirror nearby.  She looked into it constantly.  Everyone assumed it was the desperate shock of the disfigured beauty that drew her to that mirror.  When she told me about the mirror, that’s what I’d assumed.

But Gutierrez says it was something much simpler, more practical, something that gives you a small detail of her long, unpleasant hospital existence. 

“You know what, people always didn’t want me to look at the mirror because they thought I was judging myself, about how ugly I looked or something.  But I would always have mucous coming out from the trach tube, and always was slobbering on myself, and I kept wanting to clean myself up because it felt uncomfortable.  So that was it.  Not obsessing.  Yeah, for a moment, I would be like, ‘Wow, I don’t look the same,’ but I never took it that serious.  I don’t know why.”

The Vixen

Still, I’m skeptical.  Even Gutierrez finds her relationship with the mirror a bit mysterious.

“Of course I had those thoughts, but not to the point where I would be sad about it, because, I don’t know, it’s just crazy how I didn’t think about it that much.”

She keeps working toward a possible answer.  If she is a pensive young adult now, before the shooting, she was a girl more attached to her physical beauty.  How could the reflection not be a constant blow?  When she’d first told me about the mirror, it seemed like a sign of her shock, or a symbol of seeking, of some forlorn hope that healing would return to her the thing that had defined her.  Because you get the feeling, when you hear about her life before the shooting, about skipping school, smoking, drinking, that more and more she was counting on that face to carry her, in one way or another. 

And it might have worked.  At the age of 16, she’d even become a Vixen.

The Vixens.  How to explain the Bay Area Vixens?  The Vixens were a racially mixed collection of hot Bay Area party girls with a dream of modeling.  Or models with a dream of being party girls.  I can’t quite tell, but I’ve seen the pictures.  The Vixens would host boozy events, publish on myspace photo shoots of themselves in alluring outfits.  In the photos, Gutierrez tends to look serious.  She was very popular at the events.  Also underage.

When she tells me about being discovered by the Vixens, what stands out is the frequent use of the self-effacing qualifier “I guess.”  Nowadays, she speaks of herself with a modesty that I can’t imagine was much in evidence in the youngest member of the Vixens. 

“I came to one of their photo shoots.  When I was younger I was really into fashion and design and creativeness with hair, I still am, so I was really spunky, and my hair back then, it was a trend to die your hair and I was really good at it, I guess, and so my bangs were blue and purple and my outfits were really eccentric and cute, I guess.  They said, ‘You’re really pretty,’ I guess, ‘would you like to be part of the Vixens?’  I was stoked.  Everyone in the Bay knows about the Vixens, even in LA, and to be a part of that was like ‘Wow, I’m a Vixen.’” 

Transitional

The girl in the Transitional Care Unit of the county hospital, depressed by the dreary, lightless days of late fall, the girl with the tubes and the mucous and the torn-up face and always with the mirror in her hand, the girl who couldn’t talk, or eat, whose long hair laced with her own blood had been bunched up in the emergency room and left to transform into a bloody dread on her pillow, that girl might have been spunky, but she was not pretty, she was no longer so self-assured as the girl in the pictures.  That Caheri was lost.  Gone.  Dead. 

Certainly her nurse felt that way.  He said the mirror had to go.

“He was like, ‘Stop looking at that, you cannot have a mirror anymore.  You need to worry about your education, forget about your face now.  People only look at people because of their looks, but now you’re in a different situation.’”

One day, two years later, over lunch -- she’s self-conscious eating in public sometimes because her chin is still numb and she can’t tell if there is food on it -- she talks about her gratitude toward that nurse for that kick in the ass.

“All I used to do was go to school and party.”  It’s sounds like the Caheri she’s describing is a childhood friend, someone for whom she still has affection, but who she has zero interest in seeing ever again.  “My looks, I was known as this pretty person, and the way I dressed, I was an icon, and people would copy me, I was a trendsetter.  I used it for self-esteem and attention.  It was all positive, it made me feel good about myself.”

She insists, insists on insisting, ultimately with some persuasiveness, that when she looked at herself in the mirror at Highland Hospital, she was thinking about moving on, ready begin a new life not defined by her beauty. 

“I’m hella smart, I’m really smart, I’ve achieved a lot of things in my life, but my face, I really was like that part of my life was over, that partying, that modeling, that hanging out, that depending on my looks, that was over with.  I just wanted to do something different.”

What she didn’t know, what no one had prepared her for, was that the fight for rebirth had hardly even begun.

Caheri Gutierrez in 2011

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A Fall must: STUD YOUR CLOTHING

Studding is the rage this season!

Everything from studded bags, studded dresses, studded shoes, studded jeans, you name it.

Ive been obsessed for months about studs on clothes,shoes and accessories! 

Now you can rake your closet for old plain tshirts, jean shorts and other items you find that might need a little upgrading, 

just follow this easy guide and get creative!

Its actually SO much easier than you'd think.

First you may need some studs, you can purchase these at most craft stores. 

I found a great selection on a website called

Studs and Punks. 

It may seem on the site like studs are just for bikers and rock chicks, but the look is so popular and swaggish even with the highest of fashionistas! 

What you need: STUDS

 ( I recommend this size,  you'll need 100 studs aprox.)

Steps:

1. Cut the left side of the pocket, leaving the seam intact. 

2. Place the glass under the denim, to tighten the fabric, it will be easier to add the studs

3.Hold the fabric while you insert the studs

4. Seal every new stud you add. I recommend using the same hole for the next stud so they wont fall apart (see the picture above)

5. Continue adding studs until the pocket is fully covered

6.  Rock out