Monday, September 5, 2011

I Wish I Could See What You See

Complaining doesnt do anyone any justice and i am always complaining about my face. 
Im always in the mirror making faces, smiling , frowning, blank staring, turning my head side to side to catch a better view, ultimately i give up, turn the lights off and leave the room.
I hatttttttttte to be a victim i hatttte that word ... i like survivor better. And as i read my blog i realized mostly all i do is mope around talking about how ugly and i am and how my life sucks. How annoying, but honestly i never say this shit to get a response or a "im sorry caheri" or whatever... this is genuinely how i feel. I went from making people do a double take when they saw my cute face to people doing a double take to see my scar face. 
Its so hard for me to adjust to being this way, I dont know what else to do,  im almost to the point where i never want to go to another party, its pathetic.

Today i had a conversation with my mom about why i would rather be dead. As i tried to fight the tears i explained why. I just cant deal with my face, She fought hard to explain to me that "not just because i was her daughter" i am remarkably beautiful. 
I dont know what to believe, i wish i could see what other people "see"... are they being honest? or do they just feel bad? 

I am my worst critic, i say the foulest shit to myself, i clown myself the hardest about my face, i point every flaw out without hesitation, i speak the truth to myself.
This literature might be a little on the edge, a little ridiculous, a little annoying, a little scary...
but if you were in my shoes, you would understand completely. 
Trust me 





2 comments:

  1. From reading your blogs I see that your unhappiness is heavily based on your physical appearance, and although you are right, many of us dont and may never know what it is to have a highly visible scar on our face, we might not also know what it is to have recognition for our accomplishments, which as I far as I can tell it is something you are blessed to have. I think what I am trying to get at is that you have a lot going for yourself and a lot to offer this world and thats what make you a beautiful person. Remember, beauty is not only defined by a persons physical appearance, but by a persons personality, traits and insight. Maybe if you start focusing on those qualities that make up your persona, you will see what we see.

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  2. wish you could see how beautiful you really are..

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