Monday, June 6, 2011

At the hospital

Im here at highland hospital. It almost feels like home. I mean stepping back and looking at my whole life in general , I only spent 2 months here. But yet it feels like I spent half of my life here? It mightve been the drugs , the anxiety the depression the dark winter weather.
Some people are vips at clubs Im vip at highland hospital. Very important patient, haha. Its so sad. As im sitting in this chair waiting for the staff to come greet me and the doctor to come examinate, I feel... A little sad. I dont think sad is the right word, but I dont feel like leaving this window and logging on thesaurus. I remember when I first came back to reality here at highland. It was days after I first busted throught the emergency room doors.
I have so many memories here in this hospital. Like the time I was in the tcu (transitional care unit). The physical therapist had been working with me rehabilatating me ,getting me to balance my skinny corp with this huge heavy piece of wax I had screwed on my face. So it was the first day that I finally touched the hospital floor and took my very first steps, like a baby. It was such a good feeling. My family and my close friends got to see this event. The first thing I did was I took a cat walk down the isle and posed at the end , like I was a model. I guess i wanted to prove to myself that i still had it in me.
Then there was the first time I cried since the shooting. Btw when i was shot, I didnt feel a thing! I didnt cry I didnt scream , I just laid there thinking about my family, trying to hold on to every single breath. Well back to the first time I cried since being hospitalized...The doctors had given me an ultimatum: "if you want to go home, you either have to start eating or we wil have to oparate your stomach to instill an automatic feeder" aaaaah! So I tried to drink as many soups and swallow as many jellos but it wasnt enough, so the nurse and doctors tried the worst thing ever... They suggested sticking a long tube down my throat into my stomach where they could just pour stuff down and I would be fed. I felt like a monkey and this was an experiment. My mouth was wired ,there wr screws on my face , I couldnt get this fucken tube down there. I finally cried and cried the loudest cry. I gave up for the first time. I just wanted to die then.
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